I’m going to concede something. As much as I pretend to be a “serious games reviewer,” evaluating the nuances of gameplay mechanics and how they suit the theme, the truth is that I’m all about the vibes. I’m willing to forgive a lot if a game just makes me feel happy and fuzzy inside. It doesn’t even have to be immersive vibes, per se. If a game makes me feel something, I derive so much more joy from it. What makes me feel something, of course, will vary. There are games like Citizen Sleeper and the Cosmic Wheel Sisterhood that leave me contemplative and lead to me writing extremely long reviews. There are games like Citystate that leave me angry and ranting about why something didn’t work.

And then there’s Crush Your Enemies.

We stan the Death Snail.

Crush Your Enemies is a real-time strategy game. It follows a group of barbarians invading the fantasy kingdom of Generia for reasons that may or may not be related to copious amounts of beer. The barbarians encounter a variety of enemies along the way, including monsters, gods, and extremely upset peasants.

Crush Your Enemies uses fairly standard RTS mechanics, requiring the player to pay attention to a lot of elements simultaneously, and hopefully not lose track of them. While early levels forego the resource gathering and base building that are fundamental to other games in the genre, later levels add these mechanics back in, adding an extra layer of challenge. The game also adds items that allow the player to change the course of the battle through power-ups, recruitment, or just good old-fashioned landmines.

Cheers to that.

Crush Your Enemies isn’t the greatest RTS of all time. While its deceptively quick and simple levels do leave quite a bit of space for tactical thinking and planning, the pace of the battles tends to be quick enough that there is neither the space nor the time for truly detailed plans. Much as the game’s title implies, the goal here is not to think deeply about the art of war. The goal is to crush your enemies. While levels do provide secondary objectives and bonuses for completing those objectives, the majority follow that same mantra of smashing and smashing hard.

However, the fast pace and surface-level simplicity mask that the battles themselves are addictive and compelling. At multiple points, I found myself restarting or retrying battles, having seen a new way to accomplish the secondary goals, or a more efficient plan halfway through the round. The rounds are quick enough that this sort of recalibration isn’t punishing, and the battles dynamic enough that they remain fun, even when being replayed.

I did say there was a death snail.

The true strength of Crush Your Enemies, though, lies not in its RTS mechanics, but rather, how those mechanics play into its narrative and its sense of humour. Crush Your Enemies has a very specific humour, one based on raunchy, dumb, but ultimately weirdly wholesome jokes. Watching lewd barbarians traipse through a fantasy kingdom, ranting about beer and “banging” is hilarious, and the game does an excellent job landing its very silly and very dumb jokes. The idea of pairing the normally serious RTS genre with a juvenile sense of humour is a stroke of genius that just adds a new level of fun to its slapdash battles.

It’s this combination of humour and dynamism that keep me coming back to Crush Your Enemies. While it has a story, that story isn’t the point, neither to me, nor, I suspect, to the barbarians telling that story. Instead, this is a moment game. It recognises its strength lies in the moment-to-moment fun, and just seeks to heighten that fun as much as possible. It succeeds. I play the battles again and again because they are fun, and the jokes that the barbarians tell just leave me smiling as I do it.

/sob

Crush Your Enemies is not some grand paragon of game design. It doesn’t seek to be, nor does it have to be. It is instead a fun little game that takes traditional RTS mechanics and makes them ferociously dynamic. Its combination of humour and pacing make it easy to pick up and set down, but always with the knowledge that when I just need to have a bit of fun, it will be there.

Developer: Vile Monarch

Genre: Real-Time Strategy

Year: 2016

Country: Poland

Language: English

Play Time: 8-10 Hours

Youtube: https://youtu.be/VC6RLPOHI6g